We all have one…
The day we can’t forget. The one we can’t take back or rewind, no matter how hard we try.
We can’t forget the way we felt when the phone rang…
The way the daylight was barely even starting to break.
The sound of panic on the other line from your mom.
The pure pain and tears you could hear break through her words.
The chill that ran down your spine as she spoke.
The sickness that filled your whole body.
“Vanessa, your brother….”
Please God, this can’t be happening. There has to be something the doctors can do. What do you mean he’s already dead?
Time literally stopped….
Dead in it’s tracks. I couldn’t breath or think or move. Maybe if I call his phone? He HAS to answer because there is no way in hell this is happening in real life.
We are talking about my rock. My brother. We aren’t talking about someone who can just be gone. We aren’t talking about someone who won’t call me in the middle of the night anymore.
We are talking about Jeremy.
He is 22 years old. Remember? A whole life ahead of him? The world at his fingertips?!
The 24th of September is just another day of the year. It sure as hell is not special enough to take away someone like him.
Maybe if I call his phone again and leave a message. He HAS to call me back because he ALWAYS does.
In my head if I just kept calling then maybe it wasn’t real. Maybe if I just keep calling! Maybe the 24th of September, wouldn’t be the day that my 22 year old brother took his last breath on earth.
Maybe it was just another cool morning with the sun shining and all of this was just a nightmare. Maybe for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t dread this day, as the day that took my brother away from me.
As the time of the year when I Remember looking at caskets thinking about which god damn casket my 22 year old brother would have liked. You know what my brother would have liked? To live the rest of his f*cking life. That’s what he would have liked.
As the day where the seasons were changing and I couldn’t call his phone and hear his voice anymore.
The time of the year when the sun is warm but the cool breeze hits my face and I’m struck with the memory of sitting outside at his funeral waiting for him to be buried. Staring at that spot in the earth, knowing I would never see his face again, hearing someone mumble meaningless words when all I wanted to hear was another one of his jokes.
Do I let it destroy my every day? No. Do I let it keep me awake at night? Sometimes. Do I continue on about my life with a gigantic hole in my heart? Yes, it’s always there.
& I always Remember….
The 24th of September…
Every year. As THAT day. And even when I realize 9 years have gone by, This day remains with me like it was yesterday. The day the phone rang, my heart sunk and my life changed forever.
The day we wish never happened but will never forget.